MID LIFE CRISIS MAYBE???
Well as a rule I find myself horridly bad at keeping any semblence of regularity with a blog posting but I suppose it's here when I want and need it. Reading back through my previous posts I realize that I haven't had any sort of consistency with writing so I won't promise that this is a regular thing I'll do at all but I felt that I needed a bit of a dumping ground and well, this blog came up so here it is.
Lately I have often wondered what I was going to do with this life I thought would be so perfect once I finally achieved everything I wanted. I am a successful PA, I bought my own house, I have friends and family who love me and a gaggle of animals at home that keep me entertained. I volunteer at a local animal shelter where I have met some amazing friends and I NEED for nothing. what more could I want? Funny the answer is I just don't know but SOMETHING is missing.
Firstly, I love being a Physician Assistant most of the time however I so often feel that I want to be better and do more... it seems like the true ART of medicine and the compassion that is so needed in practicing GOOD medicine is slowly being squeezed out of our every cell by the insurance companies and corporate dollars making it nearly impossible to reach my personal and professional goals of being a great medical provider. SURE I do my best at learning and I think (I HOPE) my skills are as good if not better than anyone else with my level of training but I WANT to be better. I see certain providers and think OMG they should retire now... they hate their jobs... and i'm sure they are burnt out and PRAY that never happens to me. THEN I see others who seem to have an endless supply of selflessness that matches a gargantuan body of knowledge that amazes and awes me. I STRIVE daily to be more like them. I PRAY that someday I will be even 1/2 as good as they are.
So as perfect as I imagined this life (and I have to say MY life is as near to perfect as I suppose it can be at this time) I guess I never figured that other's lives wouldn't be so perfect... making mine feel less perfect. Maybe that is my achilles heel. I do care deeply about others and often their poor health makes me sad. A dear friend with ovarian cancer now in hospice. An aunt with Lung Cancer. Another aunt with primary bone cancer. A dear friend's father (who was like another brady bunch like dad to me) just passed not long ago of a litany of problems. My sensei who is a dear friend and mentor diagnosed with ALS... one of the strongest men I have ever known both emotionally and physically is now sadly showing signs of dementia and now can't feed himself. An awesome colleague who exhibits most if not all of the qualities I seek to someday embody has been diagnosed with another form of cancer. These things all make me think of things that may happen to me someday. But I shall not dwell as I've not gotten them and pray not to as the horrors they endure scar me just watching their pain. I wish I were able to make all of these things go away.... alas I cannot and will try to see them as lessons in compassion and growth for me.
As far as my own health... it's been better but it certainly has been worse and I can't complain even one bit as I feel quite lucky to be where I am and as I am today. I think many of my current issues are things I have brought on myself but the jury is still out on that. I think my diet could be greatly improved and exercise will certainly change things quite a bit. still working on that motivation but given recent turns of events I think I'm again ready to take the bull by the horns and in the words of the nike ads... JUST DO IT!
In my personal life that has been quite an interesting journey... will all sorts of ups and downs and UNKNOWNS it's hard to say what I really am looking for. I thoroughly enjoy being single however at the same time I do LONG for a partner of some type. Not necessarily for the physical aspects but more for the emotional aspects and companionship. I was asked recently by a person I respect greatly if I had a "honey" I always thought it was super cute that she asked me that way... my answer was a quick NOPE IT'S EASIER BEING SINGLE! Really??? is it though? the jury is out on that one still.... lately I've been thinking a lot (maybe it's because I just this past february turned 39) about getting old and I'd always assumed I'd get old WITH someone... but never really thought of the WHO... maybe it's not easier to be single in that respect. Also (here's the I'm 39 bit again) do I REALLY not want to have kids? like i'm coming up on the end of the wire here. I say yes then no then yes then no. I can't imagine my life without kids but then I look at the reality of raising a kid alone and can't imagine my life WITH a kid. I love kids... I LOVE everyone else's kids and think if I were more involved as an aunt... if that were possible... that I would have no issues with this question but right now the question is EATING at my brain. maybe that's why I don't sleep and am so tired all the time. I keep reminding myself though that even if I don't HAVE a child adoption is still very much an option. Hmmm dunno.
Then I think of my parents... firstly yes I love my parents to death but NO I do NOT understand them. They never seem happy with eachother but when push comes to shove they deep down do care for eachother deeply. They can't stand being in the same room with eachother and are constantly verbally nit picking at eachother but if they are apart they call eachother multiple times a day just to talk. I just don't get it. I think this makes me question if I want a relationship or not. I see myself having the potential of too many traits of their relationship that I just don't like. BUT Then I see friends parents and even the relationships that some of my friends have themselves and think.... how do they make it work and look so inviting and pretty. They have an honest and true VISIBLE love for eachother that I guess I also have a hard time understanding.
So what is the point of this post. Not sure really. maybe just to put thoughts down in print so that I can see where I was at this point in my life or even just to see myself write certain things down to better LOOK at them and in turn look at myself. Maybe it's that it's 1am and I just can't turn off the brain.
Lately I have often wondered what I was going to do with this life I thought would be so perfect once I finally achieved everything I wanted. I am a successful PA, I bought my own house, I have friends and family who love me and a gaggle of animals at home that keep me entertained. I volunteer at a local animal shelter where I have met some amazing friends and I NEED for nothing. what more could I want? Funny the answer is I just don't know but SOMETHING is missing.
Firstly, I love being a Physician Assistant most of the time however I so often feel that I want to be better and do more... it seems like the true ART of medicine and the compassion that is so needed in practicing GOOD medicine is slowly being squeezed out of our every cell by the insurance companies and corporate dollars making it nearly impossible to reach my personal and professional goals of being a great medical provider. SURE I do my best at learning and I think (I HOPE) my skills are as good if not better than anyone else with my level of training but I WANT to be better. I see certain providers and think OMG they should retire now... they hate their jobs... and i'm sure they are burnt out and PRAY that never happens to me. THEN I see others who seem to have an endless supply of selflessness that matches a gargantuan body of knowledge that amazes and awes me. I STRIVE daily to be more like them. I PRAY that someday I will be even 1/2 as good as they are.
So as perfect as I imagined this life (and I have to say MY life is as near to perfect as I suppose it can be at this time) I guess I never figured that other's lives wouldn't be so perfect... making mine feel less perfect. Maybe that is my achilles heel. I do care deeply about others and often their poor health makes me sad. A dear friend with ovarian cancer now in hospice. An aunt with Lung Cancer. Another aunt with primary bone cancer. A dear friend's father (who was like another brady bunch like dad to me) just passed not long ago of a litany of problems. My sensei who is a dear friend and mentor diagnosed with ALS... one of the strongest men I have ever known both emotionally and physically is now sadly showing signs of dementia and now can't feed himself. An awesome colleague who exhibits most if not all of the qualities I seek to someday embody has been diagnosed with another form of cancer. These things all make me think of things that may happen to me someday. But I shall not dwell as I've not gotten them and pray not to as the horrors they endure scar me just watching their pain. I wish I were able to make all of these things go away.... alas I cannot and will try to see them as lessons in compassion and growth for me.
As far as my own health... it's been better but it certainly has been worse and I can't complain even one bit as I feel quite lucky to be where I am and as I am today. I think many of my current issues are things I have brought on myself but the jury is still out on that. I think my diet could be greatly improved and exercise will certainly change things quite a bit. still working on that motivation but given recent turns of events I think I'm again ready to take the bull by the horns and in the words of the nike ads... JUST DO IT!
In my personal life that has been quite an interesting journey... will all sorts of ups and downs and UNKNOWNS it's hard to say what I really am looking for. I thoroughly enjoy being single however at the same time I do LONG for a partner of some type. Not necessarily for the physical aspects but more for the emotional aspects and companionship. I was asked recently by a person I respect greatly if I had a "honey" I always thought it was super cute that she asked me that way... my answer was a quick NOPE IT'S EASIER BEING SINGLE! Really??? is it though? the jury is out on that one still.... lately I've been thinking a lot (maybe it's because I just this past february turned 39) about getting old and I'd always assumed I'd get old WITH someone... but never really thought of the WHO... maybe it's not easier to be single in that respect. Also (here's the I'm 39 bit again) do I REALLY not want to have kids? like i'm coming up on the end of the wire here. I say yes then no then yes then no. I can't imagine my life without kids but then I look at the reality of raising a kid alone and can't imagine my life WITH a kid. I love kids... I LOVE everyone else's kids and think if I were more involved as an aunt... if that were possible... that I would have no issues with this question but right now the question is EATING at my brain. maybe that's why I don't sleep and am so tired all the time. I keep reminding myself though that even if I don't HAVE a child adoption is still very much an option. Hmmm dunno.
Then I think of my parents... firstly yes I love my parents to death but NO I do NOT understand them. They never seem happy with eachother but when push comes to shove they deep down do care for eachother deeply. They can't stand being in the same room with eachother and are constantly verbally nit picking at eachother but if they are apart they call eachother multiple times a day just to talk. I just don't get it. I think this makes me question if I want a relationship or not. I see myself having the potential of too many traits of their relationship that I just don't like. BUT Then I see friends parents and even the relationships that some of my friends have themselves and think.... how do they make it work and look so inviting and pretty. They have an honest and true VISIBLE love for eachother that I guess I also have a hard time understanding.
So what is the point of this post. Not sure really. maybe just to put thoughts down in print so that I can see where I was at this point in my life or even just to see myself write certain things down to better LOOK at them and in turn look at myself. Maybe it's that it's 1am and I just can't turn off the brain.
posted by Ana at 10:17 PM
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